Change 911 emergency number to 134599671A.

Change license plate size to 1 inch square.

Print newspapers with yellow ink.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. This is the ultimate old poop's contest idea, based upon the concept that the dadburn youth of today don't know how good they have it -- that life used to be much harder. Stephen suggests that you propose ways to make modern life just a little bit harder than it needs to be, as in the examples above.

First-prize winner gets an "Armpit of America" T-shirt from Battle Mountain, Nev.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thomas Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week 519, in which you were asked to come up with only-in-Washington pickup lines.

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Excuse me, ma'am, but the gentleman at that table has sent you a FYH 2005 energy and water appropriations bill rider for a $52.3 million solid-waste treatment plant upgrade in your home congressional district, with his compliments. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: I'm guessing you work for Fannie Mae, because your fanny may be the best I've ever seen. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Babe, why are you wasting your time with an assistant to a deputy secretary, when you could be with ME, a deputy assistant undersecretary?

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

{diam}And the winner of the the Lyndon Johnson commemorative plaque:

Your beauty renders me as powerless as Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton.

(Cindy Burnham, Alexandria)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

You're so hot that when you walk by on the street, half-smokes become

whole-smokes. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

In full compliance with federal information statutes, I am required to disclose that I've fallen FOIA.

(Bob Steck, Washington)

How about if we get away somewhere and completely deregulate ourselves? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Boy, that dress you are wearing is the most effective Request for Proposals I have ever reviewed.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Your nomination for secretary of the posterior has been confirmed.

(Luke S. Wassum, Washington)

Hi, I'm here on an important fact-finding mission. What's your sign?

(Michael Burgess, Germantown)

Let's play Cabinet. You be the president, and I'll serve at your pleasure.

(Jon Holmlund, Carlsbad, Calif.)

Come here often enough for this to be your domicile for tax purposes?

(Hank Wallace, Washington)

May I take you to a motel? I promise this is just to seduce you and not to influence legislation.

(Hank Wallace, Washington)

My name is Bond. U.S. Treasury Series EE Bond. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

My intern doesn't understand me.

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

You've been holding my eyes hostage all night, and I would like to negotiate a diplomatic resolution.

(Michael Burgess, Germantown)

Your basement-level Adams Morgan $1,600-a-month rat hole, or mine?

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

What a coincidence -- you have a cute bellybutton, and I work at the Naval

Observatory. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Dick Cheney gave me a key to his secret undisclosed location, and it has a

waterbed. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

If I told you your body reminded me of IRS form 10W-817a, would you withhold it against me? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

I work for the Bureau of Engraving. Would you like to come over and see my etchings? (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.)

Let's make like John Poindexter after knowledge of the terrorism futures market became public, and leave.

(Noah Meyerson, Washington)

Is that a Washington Monument paperweight in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

(Susan Thompson, Raleigh, N.C.)

Is that a congressman in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

(Paul Styrene, Olney; Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Did Matt Drudge drop you off here? Because you're a bombshell.

(Ian Morrissey, Walkersville)

Are you a spin doctor? Because I'm head over heels. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)